Friday, April 30, 2010

Last night I got the call I knew would eventually come. He is giving up, he is done with me. I knew he would be. I'm relieved. I feel as though I am standing on the platform of a depot watching the train I was supposed to be on, vilolantly crash. I have been praying that somehow God would save me from this mess. That He would deliver me from this impending train wreck. He did.

There are a couple of characteristics about my ex that I knew would eventually work to my benefit. The first, is to just give up when things get too difficult. When the bills and school got to be too much, we moved to another state, when the business wasn't going as planned, he went back to school, when school was too stressful, he started a business. We floated and tossed and turned, there was never a landing, never stability. When I finally said there had to be some sort of stable place, he was bitter toward me for it. The second characteristic is a little biting to my dignity; he sees me as property, disposable and expendable. Do you know the pain of everyday being forced to prove your worth as a wife, a person? Wondering if you have proved your worth enough today to keep the father of your children around a little longer? I would wonder every night before I got into that bed if I had jumped through his hoops the right way, or would this be one of those nights. A night to be knocked down a peg or two, to be reminded of my place, to be dominated because I had stepped out of line. I remember him saying in my moments of non-compliance, "Darling, we have cute kids, another woman would love to help me with this if I needed to find one." or, "I'm sure there is a woman out there who wouldn't cry about giving in to the needs of  a husband who gave them the things I've given you."  and my favorite, "If you would just comply, you wouldn't have these problems." Yes, he really said those things. Knowing him the way I do, the pet monster who kept me in a cage, I knew these things would eventually work in my favor. To him, I am now junk day curb-ware, and this fight he had going to try to make me 'comply' was too much work. He's done. Thank you God, he's done. I know this feeling. This is the overwhelming sense of relief I would have after he would force me to 'comply'. I would lay on the bed, in tears of relief, thanking God that it was over, he was done. This time, there are no tears, there is no pain, there is just the feeling of relief, peace, breathing, I can breathe.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

These are the days when I want to pack up my children and run far, far away. I want to live simply, a quaint little house of my own, warm, safe beds, laughter, sweet things baking in the oven, and my children with me, safe and free. On these days, I want to cry out and scream, making him see this frustration, 'Do you see what you're doing to them?!'. On these days, I want more than anything to gather up my babies, and just fly away.

This is where my damage shows. There are days when I have to choose to trust the people around me instead of  falling into my fears. For some, trust comes easy, not for me. It's as though it's this piece of me that was shattered intentionally to control me, now I've allowed God to put it back together, I've allowed myself a vulnerability that is so terribly delicate, and raw that I feel like it could shatter again at the smallest perceived betrayal. The slightest thought, or sight of something that could possibly be interpreted as a betrayal causes me to panic for a moment. I swiftly, carefully surround this fragile part of my soul, bracing it for impending breathless devastation. I begin to talk myself through the emotion logically, comparing what is known, and what is perceived, what is real, and what is the Enemy trying to steal from me. This is not an easy task. It's been a struggle for me, considering, I thought I knew who was trustworthy, and it would appear, my closest confidants were not trustworthy. Already this morning, I have had to face my fear and deal with it. I don't know if  I'm completely through it though. I don't know. I need my counsel, my Asylum friends to help me, I think.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Mother's Day is coming up. I have no expectations....I just hope I'm pleasing God as a mother, and as a daughter.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I feel like I'm in suspension. I'm dangling here in between a self inflicted demolition, and the hope of a beautiful new construction. There are days when I fear my dreams will be blown away. Then there are days when I believe they are all going to come true. All the time, I'm floating, wondering where God is going to place me next. I have no control, I have given up control, and to be quite honest, it scares the hell out of me sometimes. It shakes me to the core some days. I'm learning to be real, to be vulnerable. There are only two people who I have allowed to see me, there is only Him and him. They are the only ones that have seen these deep, secret places inside me. I am learning to let others in, I'm learning....
These days are passing by
My youth is gone
My dreams become clouded
Pieces of me have become cynical
These days are passing by

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Deep inside I always knew. What you said and what you did were always different things. Love, you say you still love me. I can't wrap my mind around your definition of love. I was your wife. You were supposed to protect me, love me, cherish me, honor and defend me as Christ does for his church....but you didn't. You became the person I feared most in the world. You became my rapist, my owner, my forced god. I did everything you wanted me to. Even when it hurt, even when it left me bloody and in pain for days. I did it to try to be what you wanted me to be. Hoping that if  I submit more, if I do more, you'll love me like Christ calls you to. You wanted me to believe it was me, obviously there was something wrong with me. But deep down, I knew it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault. What you did to me was not mine to own.

Years went by, and I began to plot and plan an escape. I did, I'm gone. And now, now I find, I have swiftly been replaced. She enjoys all the things you do, you tell me she's a woman. I was and am inadequate to please you. I am expendable and replaceable. I always knew you felt that way. But, you are wrong!Someday, someday God will allow me to be with someone who finds me to be priceless. I know who I am in Christ. I know what I am meant for. I am not meant for your alter, I am not meant to be your property, I am His child, I am worth more than what you see.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Isaiah 61:3 (ESV)
to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.