This says it so much better than I could....

If there are no promises then I should not have expectations. You have made me no promises. There has been pleasant talk, sweet conversations, but no promises. I will slow my heart. Quiet my my dreams. So, I will not hold any expectations of this..what ever this may be...

I no longer answer to these fears. But it doesn't mean they are no longer here. I feel like an addict who lives day to day with the realities of her weakness. My weakness is fear. I'm afraid. My list of fears is lengthy and petty. My new addiction is quickly becoming the rush of strength I allow God to give, the strength I let myself receive. Some days its not easy. Some days I fall back into the old way, those days are obvious. Everyone can feel it. I am trying. I am learning to be reprogrammed by God. Please be patient, please know that if you haven't intentionally tried to hurt me....it's not you. On these days, please pray with me...please don't let go of me.

I am not the labels you have tried to tattoo into the skin of my soul.
I will not be defined by your narrow views and looks of disapproval.
I can't fit inside this box you once placed me in.
I am not what you trained me to be
I am more, so much more

I saw you last night. You were there in my dreams. We were together, with the girls driving someplace. It was night, there were stars. I felt a sweet contentment, a warm, gentle assurance that you're mine, and I am yours. It was beautiful, you were there. You were there...

This storm has been raging around me. It has been tumultuous and terrifying. It has threatened to tear me apart inside. My soul has been held together by thin delicate fibers of faith in God. I felt the painful stings and harsh truths as the Spirit has flowed into these wounds to heal me. What was meant for evil, God has used for the good of me. I am humbled, I am filled with a joy at what He has done. I see blessing upon blessing. I am finding a peace like I have never known. I'm finding life in abundance.

Mother's day has come...and now it's over. I didn't expect to get anything...it's just another day, right? Just like Valentine's day, or any other Hallmark holiday. While it's nice to honor mothers, it just brings my failings to light, it brings my son's anger to the surface. I didn't expect any material things, but I didn't expect such internal emotional turmoil.

To my children;
I made a choice. I struggled with this for years. If I could have changed everything I would have, if I could have waved a magic wand and fixed all this I would have. I couldn't...I did all that I could do.  I hope someday you'll understand, and forgive me. I love you, I've loved you with all my heart since the moment I knew you existed. Every choice I have made, whether you can see it or not has been made with your best interest at heart. I'll love you always.

Of fairy tales and the dreams of my youth, I still believe....

For you, only you
Only you have known me
It is you alone I have let in
For you, only you
You have seen all of me
Inside these deep hidden places
For you, only you
My heart is laid open
My soul is exposed
For you, only you
There are no secrets
No walls or painted screens
For you, only you