Last night I got the call I knew would eventually come. He is giving up, he is done with me. I knew he would be. I'm relieved. I feel as though I am standing on the platform of a depot watching the train I was supposed to be on, vilolantly crash. I have been praying that somehow God would save me from this mess. That He would deliver me from this impending train wreck. He did.

There are a couple of characteristics about my ex that I knew would eventually work to my benefit. The first, is to just give up when things get too difficult. When the bills and school got to be too much, we moved to another state, when the business wasn't going as planned, he went back to school, when school was too stressful, he started a business. We floated and tossed and turned, there was never a landing, never stability. When I finally said there had to be some sort of stable place, he was bitter toward me for it. The second characteristic is a little biting to my dignity; he sees me as property, disposable and expendable. Do you know the pain of everyday being forced to prove your worth as a wife, a person? Wondering if you have proved your worth enough today to keep the father of your children around a little longer? I would wonder every night before I got into that bed if I had jumped through his hoops the right way, or would this be one of those nights. A night to be knocked down a peg or two, to be reminded of my place, to be dominated because I had stepped out of line. I remember him saying in my moments of non-compliance, "Darling, we have cute kids, another woman would love to help me with this if I needed to find one." or, "I'm sure there is a woman out there who wouldn't cry about giving in to the needs of  a husband who gave them the things I've given you."  and my favorite, "If you would just comply, you wouldn't have these problems." Yes, he really said those things. Knowing him the way I do, the pet monster who kept me in a cage, I knew these things would eventually work in my favor. To him, I am now junk day curb-ware, and this fight he had going to try to make me 'comply' was too much work. He's done. Thank you God, he's done. I know this feeling. This is the overwhelming sense of relief I would have after he would force me to 'comply'. I would lay on the bed, in tears of relief, thanking God that it was over, he was done. This time, there are no tears, there is no pain, there is just the feeling of relief, peace, breathing, I can breathe.